Gay, Straight or Bisexual

A quirky little piece in the Metro yesterday..

Q: What's the difference between a straight man and a gay man?

A: Six pints of lager and a couple of tequila shots!

.... meaning that if you tip a few drinks down any straight bloke you can get him into bed. Would you want to?

I know it's nice to look at things and wish it was yours, things like the new Rang Rover Sport, B&O 42' plasma screen or a 13 inch dick but, with me, that's about as far as it goes. I'm not one for the thrill of the chase.

I'm not a big believer in tinkering around with trying to get straight boys into bed [anymore]. I must admit that I've done it on a few occasions and it's been a bit of a disappointment. True "straight boys" tend only to be experimenting and don't want to go much beyond the watching each other wank sort of thing. I can do that on my own, and with the benefit of stopping and rewinding the idea [or even the tape!].

The last straight bloke I messed with had been a friend for a lot of years. He offered and, stupidly I took him up on the offer. We were pissed [a bit more than six pints and a couple of tequila shots]. Well after one night of something less than unbridled passion or even semi-restrained lust, we're not particularly friendly anymore. I don't know if it's because he's embarrassed or feels as though he was taken advantage of [he wasn't] or what ever but it messed up a perfectly good friendship.

One of my colleagues [who is well worth a poke] had read the same thing and was being his usual ambiguous self. More often than not, I play along with his game but on this occasion let fly with my beliefs on being queer, the gist of which is this....

I'm queer, I've always been queer and, although I've not always known what to call it, I've always known that I was whatever I am.

I fancy women. Not many, it has to be admitted, but there are a few who do it for me. On those rare occasions when I've done the deed, and few and far between they have been, I've felt some sort of guilt / treachery. To who or what, I'm not sure. Myself, probably. This is because I've always known and said that I'm queer.

I honestly do not believe that there is such a thing as completely heterosexual.

[Here is a bit of cod psychology] Everybody subconsciously looks at everybody who crosses their field of vision. They do this for two reasons. 1. with a view to combat - conflict [how would you defend yourself if they attacked / how would you attack and they defend and what would the outcome be. 2. with a view to breeding. Are they a worthwhile / worthy partner [shag].

Therefore staight blokes clock other blokes. Because they don't have the big homo bit wired into their psyche, they don't engage in the second part of the operation unless the bloke they clock fits the criteria of the tiny little bit of queerness that they do have. Thats why when the miniscule hetro bit in my brain sees the thing in women that attracts me, I look a little closer.

So remember, the next time you are tipping the six pints and the tequila shots into your prospective shag, you were probably "in there" anyway, without the drink and could have spent your money on sex enhancing drugs instead and if it's a friend your trying it with, scrub his name from your Christmas card list before you get the lube on your fingers.