Family Values #5

I love going to bed late. I love getting up early. It makes me feel as though I have won the day. This is as opposed to losing the day by laying festering in my pit making love to myself.

What I hate is having this short reverie disturbed.

Last night I went to bed about midnight, having to be up for duty at 08.00 this involves falling out of my bet at around 07.30. At about 01.30 the phone rang. And rang, and rang!

Now, David has the phone at his side of the bed. This situation came about because he got sick of me picking it up and saying "What?". Anyway, after digging him in the ribs a few times he answered the damn thing.

It was his brother, Eamon.

The charming Eamon, his consumptive wife, [potentially orange boiler suited] son and svelte daughter, our very own Fat Bird, are currently on holiday in the good old U S of A [where they blend in perfectly].

Eamon wanted to know when we were going over there. Dave told him. Then Eamon embarked on his "I need a Favour" speech.

The gist of it was he's bought something and he wants us to bring it back because for some spurious reason or other, he can't.

[A bit of background history] Before they moved back over to the UK, every time we went to the States we would end up taking something or bringing something back for him.

When they came back to [Northern] Ireland, each time went went "home", same thing, we would end up taking or bringing something.

By this time I was well awake and doing my yelling in the background stunt. "Tell him this time he's blown it, we're not going anywhere near the". [They have a house in Orlando [Kissimee] and we're going to Naples, which is not exactly next-door].

"Don't worry about that, I'll sort that out, just give me the address".

Cheeky cunt.

Anyway, after this bit of social chit-chat, the next bomb shell was "Is Chris going to be up early this morning?"

"Chris is already up early this morning, you twat!"

"Roseanne [aka Fat Bird] may need a hand up the stairs with her suitcases".

Now, Fat Bird has two Nigerian family sized suitcases, and she'd taken them both with her. All the better to fill with clothes in sizes that it is only possible to buy in the US.

Needless to say I was up and out of the house damn early today!

Later......

I'm sitting here toying with my blog, Sidney is playing with his Spacehopper [don't ask]. Nothing much disturbs him when he's doing this. All of a sudden he starts leaping around and doing his impression of a bark [bulldogs don't really bark, it's a sort of quiet "Hufff"].

Out of the kitchen comes Fat Bird. She has hair that the maid from Tom & Jerry would have had under that red spotted turban thing. Well the hair looked as though she'd had her fingers in the electric socket! The dog was fukin terrified! It didn't last long though because he saw that she had food [nothing out of the ordinary there, then].

Entitled "One fat bastard feeding the other"

above: the three round things are (clockwise) Fat Bird, Sidney, Sidney's spacehopper and in the background, Dave, peering to the centre of the earth vie the chasm of Fat Bird's arse crack.